That’s right, fellow Upton-gawkers, the day we’ve all hoped for is finally here: A Kate Upton sex tape has leaked on the internet!! And it’s just as glorious as you’d imagine…
The salacious video of Kate and renowned photographer Terry Richardson hitting the skins went viral this week, and boners across the nation have never been the same.
Apparently, the the tape is so arousing that penises become over-engorged and eventually explode. The lethally lewd video is solely responsible for sending thousands of men to the hospital for emergency genital reconstruction surgery.
Franklin Dedersen, a 33 year old plumber from Ohio, was reached for comment as he was rolled into the E.R. “I thought my boner would never go away. Then it just blew up! But it was worth it."
Dr. Russ Garber, a psychologist at UCLA, explained the phenomenon, stating, "Kate Upton’s sex tape has rapidly become the penile equivalent of staring into the sun and going blind."